“Was he also one of your lover’s? Because if so you are useless, how can anyone be with a guy like that, didn’t you have any class”
The words didn’t so much hurt, they ran chills down my spine, butterflies in my stomach, I knew this day would come I had kept saying to myself over and over.
Oh Lord what now it’s been a year into this marriage and it has been nothing like what I hoped and now this. The silence in the car was horrible, I couldn’t keep my hands still, I kept wringing my hands as if a solution would come from there. He didn’t say anymore but by the determined set of his jaw I knew he was done and nothing I said or argued would be helpful so I kept quiet and as I sat there I cast my mind back to over a year ago, when I gathered the courage to reveal my past to this man that was considering sharing the rest of his life with me.
Was it confidence in his love…, no it was self preservation, I figured that I would give him every chance to back out of this relationship. I had been disappointed before and one more I could handle. Telling my future husband about my past relationships and all the bad in my life felt like a wise thing, I didn’t want to be scanning a room when we were out together wondering whether some old boyfriend would recognise me and take that moment to walk up to me while with my husband and remind me of the past.
Well maybe I was too detailed, maybe this wasn’t the thing to do, whatever it was, right now it was a mess and I didn’t know what to do or say, and there was no rock to crawl under.
*******
We’re home and he’s still not talking, I’m sitting at the dining table looking at the cold untouched meal. He doesn’t want to eat my food or talk to me.
Dear Lord, what now, is this the end? It’s not been great between us but I can’t believe it’s over just like this, Oh boy, life’s consequences they just never let you go.
It’s late and I need to sleep, I have been putting off going to bed, being in our room alone together, maybe he’s locked me out, should I sleep somewhere else? Won’t that make everything worse?
Okay Lord, I will try the door , … it’s open and he seems asleep, i’ll just quickly change into a nightie and then just get into bed….
He turns and starts to put distance between us in the bed, what’s this a pillow barrier… Lord help me, I can’t erase the past, and what will this marriage be if my husband thinks I am trash, help me is it time to leave now, is it all over,
Oh God , I hate this where are you…. Daughter, there is no condemnation in me, old things have gone and the new has come, you are new, you are mine, my treasured possession, I have said that you LIVE!
My spirit stirred, tears sprang into my eyes, the Lord is all I need and he loves me, it will be well, I will start again, it is well with my soul. I can’t change the way my husband feels about me but I will not allow myself to go back to the day that I stood before God, tired of running and hurting myself and accepted his offer of love and fresh start in Christ. I was so happy to leave that muddy pit called my life and stand up talk and be reborn.
“Dear, neither you nor any person can separate me from the love of God, you are too small to take me back to the muddy pit, my God is bigger than you and mighty to save, and save me he did, I will leave in the morning.”
As I say this, my heart feels lighter, I get up and begin to gather my things, when I feel his arms around me, his kiss on my forehead, he holds me so tightly, I didn’t realise that I was sobbing from deep within, he thinks it’s because of his words to me, but I am crying because this needed to happen for me to finally know within my soul, spirit and heart that I am really a new creation in Christ. I needed this to happen so that I could begin to live again, and not look over my shoulder anymore or scan a room as I entered it.
The night grows long, two people hold on to each other for it was time for love and life now.
The End.
